Help! I lost my wife!!

“I’ll never find her in here,” I said to myself after three passes through the center aisle of a local “big box” store. I looked goofy rubbernecking my way up and down the same aisle looking for my wife. I should know better than to go shopping with her.

Has this happened to you, men? You’re in the (shudder) mall with your bride, walking side by side, happy as a clam.  Things are going fine when you turn to speak to your wife and realize she‘s no longer next to you. A quick scan around you reveals that she has completely disappeared. You are smack dab in the middle of the largest store in the free world and you are hopelessly lost, and, you’ve misplaced your wife. There is no way you will ever find her. Been there, done that.

The holidays are here again. It seems prudent to me to offer some advice to men on the subject of missing “mall wives.” Were a study commissioned, we would no doubt  find legions of men wandering aimlessly in malls nationwide searching for wives who are themselves lost in perpetual shopping mode. Perhaps in my own small way, I might be able to save one couple from a life in fruitless search for one another.

Men, when you enter a mall or any big box store (except hardware – more on them later) you must make it your sole purpose to keep your wife in view at all times. She is, in a large store environment, fully capable of disappearing the moment you are distracted. It is a genetic ability they have and you must be ready for it.

Good method; Walk on her left side just slightly behind her. Keep your head turned to your right  enough to keep her in view while being able to navigate in front of you.

Better method; Hold her hand. That works most of the time. Careful! She will try to slip your hold. Don’t be hurt. She can’t help it. Unlike us, women have a shopping gene. They are only reacting to what instinct tells them to do. It has nothing to do with you.

Best method; The best method is not to enter any large store with your wife at all. It cannot be avoided, so the best way to keep from losing her is to find some way to “tether” her to you if possible. Before you leave your house, find a way to get her purse and take all of her cash and credit/debit cards. If you can pull that off, she has to stay with you if she has any intention of satisfying her shopping need. I guarantee she will not lose you no matter what happens. This is a tough job though as wives have the ability to know if their purse has been searched. You do this at your own peril. Good luck.

I mentioned hardware stores earlier. You are safe there for the most part. Just be careful about going into any of the sections where they sell flooring, kitchen supplies (especially cabinets), appliances, and the landscaping section. You are safe around tools, lumber, and plumbing. Well, maybe not. She can get “ideas” for projects for you to do for her. Forget it. You’re not safe in a hardware store either.

You’re on your own.

NEXT WEEK: The most dangerous female on the planet: Your daughter

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