The most dangerous woman on the planet

Last week, we discussed what to do when you have to go shopping with your lovely bride. While they are in their element in any store except hardware and auto parts stores, they are the undisputed queens of the mall. I have given you a few tools to work with when you go shopping with your wife. Remember, getting lost in the mall equates to losing all of your money. The sad truth is your wife is only one danger you will face.

Frankly, the bigger danger for men is daughters. We who have the mixed blessing of a daughter (or, yikes, daughters) know the face of danger. It will be a futile effort, but I will attempt to give you some level of hope as you take on the hazardous task of shopping with your daughter.

You already know that your wife has a highly developed shopping gene. Unlike your daughter, your wife already has your money so has no real need to cajole or “inspire” you to spend it on her. Your daughter, though, actually does own you and, in her mind, has every right to dig as deep as her heart desires into your life’s savings for anything “your little princess” wants.

Keep in mind your wife has trained her from birth. They are professionals. They know how to get away from you at will and satisfy that internal need they all have to shop. Your only real goal is to stay in visible contact and minimize the losses.

Your daughter has the ability to simultaneously slip your grasp and take all of your credit cards at the same time. There is no known defense against this. Realize that you are constitutionally unable to say no to your daughter(s). So, what to do:

Don’t take any cash or credit cards to the mall. This is tough as your daughter can sense the presence (or lack thereof) of cash and/or plastic. If you can keep her distracted until you get to the store’s parking lot, you might be able to pull it off. This is highly unlikely as your wife will probably follow you to bring the plastic you “forgot.” Remember, controlling the money is critical to avoiding getting lost in the mall.

Announce you have lost your job and contracted a debilitating illness on the same day. You might be able to garner a little bit of sympathy on this. Don’t try this during the Christmas shopping season. They will abandon you in the mall and you will never get back home.

You might try emigrating but it probably won’t work. They will hunt you down. Face it, there is no best way. You are doomed. Not only will they escape from you the instant they enter a mall, they will spend all of your cash, exceed the limits on your credit cards, and empty your 401K in an instant. The only real way to avoid losing your daughter in the mall is NEVER EVER go there with her. Good luck with that one.

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