Hmmm. Get my four-year old granddaughter ready for church or go to the store and pick up “things” for my wife?(you may remember last week’s discussion of “things.”). Neither option seemed desirable to me. I thought perhaps I could sneak into the store and get back out unobserved (thereby avoiding embarrassment and societal ruin). I decided to run that risk instead of trying a get the perpetual motion machine that is my granddaughter ready for church. Off to the store I went in the full knowledge that I was venturing into an area of the store that was heretofore unexplored by the male of our species and guaranteed to cause great personal humiliation (and possible arrest) were I to be observed.
The plan was to park at the nearest entrance to the store where the “things” were. Fortunately, the area in question was just inside the door so as to allow quick access and exit. I was supremely confident in my ability to move about unseen. I am, after all, a retired soldier and had had escape and evasion training. I was ready. Uh huh….
Entering the front door, I looked quickly through the product signs hanging over the aisles until I saw one that stated in bold letters, “feminine hygiene.” Moving rapidly with an eye against detection, I stood nonchalantly near, but not in front of, the target area. I looked sideways at the shelves but the “things” I had come for were not there! All I could see and make out were products like feminine body wash and wipes and such like that. Nowhere in evidence were the things I had need of. This was a false target! I had been duped. I walked away and stood in front of the magazine rack while I attempted to work through this set-back. What do I do now? Steeling myself, I walked back over to the false target area so as to make sure I had not missed something. When I stopped, I noticed the far wall of the store. There stacked from floor to ceiling and as far as the eye could see were the very things I needed. Gadzooks! How would I find the particular brand I would need in this vast selection? Side note: I never knew, and regret knowing now, that there was such a huge variety of these things. How in the world…oh, never mind.
Now, this display was immense but a little off the beaten path so I thought I could get over there, find the target of my mission in the huge display, and get out before I could be seen. No such luck. I stopped in the middle of the selection and looked intently for what I came for. “Can I help you?” A young saleswoman, no doubt a plant, had been waiting for me. In my embarrassment, I blubbered, “Oh no. I’m just looking.” I wish I could adequately describe the look on her face. She stood dumbfounded while I fumbled around and finally found what I came for. I did not look back as I paid and left but I am sure she was laughing hysterically the rest of the day.
Next time I think I will get my granddaughter ready for church.