Open House season

(DISCLAIMER: This story is in no way reflective of any one person or group of people. This story is written with one’s tongue firmly anchored in the cheek.  It is what could be called an exaggeration. There. I’m off the hook).

You are no doubt aware of the annual tradition of hosting an open house when your kid graduates from High School? If you are not there yet, you will be. I myself have endured this experience twice and am about to do it for a third (and last) time. It is my deep hope that this short letter might aid at least one husband in his attempt to survive this ordeal with his mental and emotional faculties intact. I am not optimistic though I will do my dead level best.

You will find that your biggest obstacle to surviving the period before the actual event will not be your kid. Well, maybe not. If your kid happens to be male, that will be one less hassle to deal with. He will probably not care. No, my friend, your problem will be with the female of the species. I pity your immortal soul if you have to host an open house for a daughter. You will not only have to deal with your wife but your daughter as well. Let me explain. Forewarned is forearmed…. Maybe.

How do I explain this? Your house’s condition for the event will reign supreme in the minds of the matriarch of the household (and the daughter if it is her open house). Your loving bride will concoct all manner of unpleasant and downright nasty jobs for you to do. At a minimum, you will paint the entire house, inside and out, pressure wash anything that can’t be painted to include every inch of concrete. You will also dust and/or clean every square inch of the house to include the attic and crawl space. God forbid there should be one weed anywhere in your yard. Think of the eternal shame on the family name should anything anywhere on your property be out of place. Your dear wife will insist that YOU personally ensure no birds fly over your house during the open house in the (horrors!) event that one stray bird might defecate on a guest whilst they are in the backyard. By the way, you will render your yard more immaculate than the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

You will also have to put new toilet seats on EVERY toilet in the house as well as purchase new, matching hand towels and something called a “bathroom set.” Oh, and you will also have to make sure that all of the settings for the food match. Lord help you if one cup does not match. Do you get the picture here? Anything and everything that could possible reflect ill on the household and, in particular, your wife / daughter will be YOUR fault. It does not matter that you had no part in choosing the finger foods or the drinks. If anything is amiss, no matter how minor, it will be your fault. Deal with it.

What to do? I really don’t know. You are on your own. Let me know how it works out.

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2 thoughts on “Open House season

  1. Sounds like the only time you clean or do yard work is when a kid graduates, and how bad does a toilet seat have to need changing every 2 to 3 years. You may want to consider adoption so your house doesn’t rot away and you yard gets all overgrown. Just remember…its your fault. p.s. although you invitations didn’t have RSVP on them, I will, sorry can’t make it, were gonna be out of town.

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