I would guess that 80-85% of all the email that graces my three addresses are unsolicited, unwanted, and unnecessary. The most annoying ones are:
- “I am somebody in a third world country who was married to the vice president of an INCREDIBLY HUGE bank that nobody’s ever heard of located in a third world country. He is dead now of a tragic accident and has left me 50 gazillion dollars hidden in yet another third world country that I want to move to America and I’ll pay you 30 gazillion dollars to help me do it! Just send me your bank account info for transfer of the funds.” Uh huh. I know for a fact they won’t ever pay you more than 10 gazillion. I knew a guy this happened to. He lives in New Jersey I think. Well, I don’t know him personally. He just told me that in an email.
- “IF YOU DON”T CALL YOUR (insert important person(s) name here) RIGHT NOW, some nefarious group that we really don’t like will take something away from you that is, like, soooo important and, gosh, that would really be bad now, wouldn’t it? Just sign the petition accessible at the conveniently located link at the bottom of this email. OH, and while you’re at it, we could use a few bucks to offset the cost of this free email so we can send more alerts to hundreds of millions of people. Can you also put us in touch with that widow with the 50 gazillion dollars?”
- “Welcome to my E-zine!!! I am 24, single, just graduated from the University of Somewhere incredibly prestigious and I am the new subject matter expert of whatever it is you need! I had a ghost blogger put together this e-zine because I am sooooo busy with all of the big-time clients that I’ve landed in the six months since graduation that I have had to outsource everything, including whatever it is that I do. I am particularly good at connecting people with widows in third world countries. They have lots of money they want to move to America.”
- “ I saw your profile on-line and I REALLY REALLY want to get to know you because I think you are soo hot and we can have such a good time together and you and I could make lots of money shipping products for other people and it would just be you and me and your bank account. Oh, I do need your bank info so I can verify that you have enough money to send me so we can ship stuff from a third world country to the US. You have to pay me first see, but don’t worry because when you take this stuff you will deliver it to a US address and they will pay you double. See, these people in America have 10 gazillion dollars they got from a widow in a third world country. It was 50 gazillion but it took 40 gazillion in bribes to get the 10. Oh, before I forget, I love you!”
- The worst of all: “This is agent doe from IRS and you owe us 30 gazillion dollars. Just click on the link below to pay your bill. We know you got that 10 gazillion from that guy in New Jersey. He told us he paid you for a bunch of stuff you got from a third world country.”