Bullying: a guide for defense

Just read an article that suggested there be a law against bullying in the workplace. Considering that I have vast experience in my life as one having been bullied upon, I think I can offer some help to my fellow man. If you are such a victim, consider the following wisdom as a gesture on my part to ease your way through life. You may thank me later.

Remember that a bully is hiding something (their own fear usually). He (or she) has gotten it into their head that their will is superior to your own and you must be forced to bow to whatever whim they may have (kind of reminds you of the government, doesn’t it?). If you don’t, they will use their bullying tactics which may or may not include actual force. Here is your key wisdom:  “Power perceived is power achieved.” You must make the bully think you have a much larger stick than his and are willing to use it. In the south, this tactic is typically referred to as “opening a can of whup ___” on the bully. Careful here! If you open one, you must be prepared to serve the entire contents.  Anything less will certainly make the matter worse. Course, if you are a ninety eight pound weenie, you probably don’t have this can available. Opening one of these cans when you lack the ability to serve it is referred to as “letting your alligator mouth overload your paperweight ______.” So, what to do?

You must make the bully “think” that you have the ability to offer up massive retaliation. No, that won’t work. He already knows you can’t, otherwise he would not be pestering you in the first place. Bullies lack most, if not all, horse sense which disallows trying to reason with them. You could complain to your boss or file a lawsuit against the company for allowing a hostile workplace. See who will hire you after that.  You will be an internationally known ninety-eight pound weenie. That’ll look real good on your resume.

In some states, it is legal to have a handgun in your locked car. Maybe you could create the perception that you have a .44 revolver in your glove box.  Course, if you ARE that ninety eight pound weenie, you probably could not pick one of those up. That won’t work either.

You could get a slingshot and practice until you can knock a maggot off a meat wagon. You know, that might just work! Catch your bully alongside the head with a nice smooth rock. You could be a pretty fair piece away by the time he clears his head.  You’re probably a pretty fast runner too, being as how you’ve probably been ducking bullies all this time. Well…., you will have to come to work the next day though. You’ll probably be the only guy in these parts ever arrested for assault with a slingshot.

No, I think you are pretty much on your own here. Maybe the government will give you a law.

NEXT: Advice for Bullies

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