Advice for bullies

(Yes, I know I’m late). I have never, so far as I can recall, bullied anyone. Don’t really know why anybody’d want to so I am at a temporary lose as to how best to advise you. Being as how I have given some level of wisdom to those whom you feel compelled to torment and torture, I feel obligated to give you the same consideration.  Given that you are more than likely of the incontrovertible opinion that no human on this planet can advise YOU, I doubt you will read and heed any of this anyway. I will, nonetheless, try.

If you absolutely have to bully somebody, at least try to be nice about it. You could start by doing your nastiness out of the public view. But that would probably not suit your style much, would it? If you are the average bully, you are probably of the mind to be as public as possible. The more people that see how cantankerous you are, the more people that are intimidated by you. You might call that “mass effect bullying.” It sure makes it easier on you. At least it is less work.

There will be an occasional sap that will make a feeble attempt to stand up to you. In that very rare time, you must have a special technique. Might I suggest you make yourself appear as large as physically possible and make a lot of noise? That, by the way, is how one stands up to a mountain lion (I’ve been told that but, no, I have never had the occasion to test this technique. Nor do I wish to). You can also add some threatening body language. Ask your victim if he/she is aware of who you are and question his/her sanity for even thinking of standing up to you. In a loud voice so that everybody can hear, clearly and emphatically state that the last person to stand up to you is, mysteriously, gone. You don’t know what happened to him/her.

The most fun that you will ever have is when you get to be a bully, AND, in charge of people. This is nirvana to a bully. You can indulge your habit whenever and however you like. All in your charge will cringe in fear of you if, for no other reason, it means they get to keep their job. Imagine the fun you will have with them! Your only possible downside to this is if one of them gets promoted above you. If you keep them sufficiently under your thumb, that will never be a problem.

Well, that’s about the best thing I can tell you. Bullying as a career strategy is not all that great but I suspect you don’t care much. As long as your ego is fed and people fear you, that’s all that really matters. Course, sooner or later that age-old principle will come back to haunt you. You know the one you learned in first grade? “There is always somebody out there bigger and badder than you.”

I hope he finds you too.

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