I am Man! I fix.

The kitchen sink has had a leaking faucet for awhile now. Every time I looked at it, I could just see my water bill climb ever higher and higher. I had made multiple trips to the hardware store in an ultimately futile effort to stop the leak and thwart the water company’s nefarious plan to dip ever deeper into my wallet. In retrospect, I think the manufacturers of the faucets themselves are in cahoots with each other to make consumers buy entirely new faucets on a regular basis. Their plan, in my case at least, worked.

The long and short of it is, my dear bride and I decided to replace our over one-hundred dollar faucet, even though it was less than three years old. By the way, in all of my trips to the hardware store, (I seem to remember eight) not once did I ever see any selection of parts for the brand of faucet that occupied the place of honor in our kitchen. We had that conversation whilst in the presence of the offending faucet. I think it decided it was not going to go quietly. It didn’t.

Upon the recommendation of Elijah the Plumber, I brought home a nice new “Brand D” faucet and placed it right next to the old faucet, still ensconced in the sink (and still leaking). It had to sit there a day or two until I found time to “do battle” with the old one. It was a battle too, let me tell you. That old faucet wasn’t coming out without a fight. You see, there are two large, hard plastic nuts on all sinks (least wise, all that I have seen). The only purpose of these things is to hold that faucet fast to the sink. That’s all these things do and they are very good at it. Furthermore, I was informed by a “knowledgeable” sales clerk at hardware store number eight, that there is no tool on earth designed to remove this particular nut. She further told me that many plumbers enhance the holding ability of these objects with glue. In retrospect, I think the original installer of my faucet used “Gorilla Glue®” in an obvious attempt to render this faucet earthquake proof.  So, it was going to be me versus the twin nuts. Mono y mono.  Do you know how strong “Gorilla Glue®” is?

I tried bare hands. I tried to pry it loose with a pry bar. I had my eighteen year old son grab onto them. He knocked off a piece of the plumbing in the process and got an earful of water for it. It was kind of like the faucet spitting on us in defiance. I sprayed WD-40® on it. I even talked to it. Those two nuts did not budge even so much as an inch.

I finally had had enough of this and went for my chisel. I had warned the sink and the faucet time and time again.  My patience was now at an end. In less than fifteen minutes, I had cut out both nuts and the faucet was off. With great ceremony, I threw the old faucet into the recycle bin. The new one took all of five minutes to install.

That “Saturday Project” took at least half the day. God love ‘em, but I don’t think I will ever want to be a plumber.


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