Let me go on the record right now that I do not currently, nor have I ever owned, a purse. I hear that some men in Europe use them (I think they are called shoulder bags or some such nonsense) but I have yet to see a man use one in this part of the Midwest. They don’t make a lot of sense anyway what with no more than the average man has to carry around with him. A couple of credit cards, driver’s license, and a few bucks for lunch is all the average man needs. The average woman, on the other hand, is genetically required to carry the entire contents of her vanity, plus every key to every lock that she has possessed since birth, AND the complete name and address of every human being they have ever encountered since the first grade. It’s true. No, I have not seen inside any purses in my lifetime nor do I wish to. This knowledge comes to me because I have a wife, a daughter, and a granddaughter. The three of them together carry more stuff around with them than is carried by a parcel delivery driver.
For example, I was out with my daughter the other day and she asked me to hand out her purse from the car. When I did so, two things happened. I heard the springs from the car it was in sigh a relief from the weight it had had to endure and then my shoulder popping from the weight and volume of this “suitcase.” I swear the thing had wheels. “What in the world are you packing around in this thing?” She said it contained only the things she needs on a regular basis. I took a risk and peeked inside and therein contained all the keys and address books that I suspected where in there. In addition, there was enough makeup to do the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad. There was a cell phone among other trinkets and things that I did not recognize. I dare not look deep in the bowels of this monstrosity and so gave it to her as quickly as possible. My shoulder is still sore from the ordeal. Now, keep in mind that my daughter owns no less than 200 purses (I probably exaggerate a bit) . I don’t know why and I am afraid to ask.
I decided to have a look at my wife’s purse. She has considerably fewer than my daughter and they are, in general, smaller. Perhaps as women get older they may find they have less to pack around with them. It might possibly be that their shoulders are worn out from all the weight over the years. I found the same general contents in my wife’s purse than in my daughter’s. As was true in my daughter’s case, I declined from looking into the bottom of my bride’s purse. I just think there are some things best left alone and the bottom of a woman’s purse is one of those places.
I just don’t want to know.