On Meetings

If you are one who has the sad responsibility of conducting meetings of any sort, this article is for you. Herewith is my advice on how to have a meeting and inflict the most suffering on the attendees so as to enhance your own standing as an individual to be feared. If you follow my advice, I can personally guarantee that the people over whom you have charge will obey you without hesitation, mostly in fear that you will subject them to even more meetings.

  • Set your meeting time at the most inconvenient hour possible. Personally, I have always preferred super early in the morning, say 5:00 AM. Your attendees will be sleepy and will be easily intimidated. NOTE: If your charges are hourly employees, have it right smack in the middle of the work day so they can’t get overtime. As an added bonus, do not have any coffee or anything else to eat or drink. Make sure you have your coffee though.
  • Show up at least forty-five minutes late. Surely they cannot expect you to be there at 5:00 AM!! They should use the time from 5:00-5:45 (give or take) to study and prepare for your entrance. I actually saw this done once by a man who had scheduled a networker’s power circle for the middle of the morning. When he showed up forty-minutes late for his own meeting, he was stunned that we had not been working to prepare for his arrival. I am glad to report that  particular power circle never met a second time. Or third.
  • You will want to spend a large amount of the meeting time talking about your own lofty accomplishments and how your leadership will make sure everybody stays employed. Even though they have less ability than you even when their talents are combined, your wisdom will save the day. Again.
  • Make sure all decisions are made and plans finalized before the meeting. Surely you don’t want anybody actually discussing options and changing plans do you? Remember your reason for having a meeting in the first place. Because you can. All they are there to do is stand in awe of your remarkable leadership skills.
  • During the course of the meeting, pick out one or two people to single out. Use one to demonstrate your vast motivational skills. Salespeople are easy targets. Tell the group that Sandy’s sales are abysmal and you have decided to take her under your wing and show how YOU can help a weak saleswoman to excel at her job. Don’t worry. This won’t involve any real work on your part. Tell her to go buy a sales book (any one – it doesn’t matter which) with the admonition that if she will adhere to the advice in this book like you did, she will indeed to be stellar sales professional that you so clearly are. Fire the second person right in front of everybody. It’s a wonderful motivational technique.

There you have it. One final word, if you are reading this and actually contemplating applying this advice in your own professional life, I have one last bit of advice. Get your head examined. Now.

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