Advice for new husbands

There is a certain satisfaction at this stage of my life in being able to impart some wisdom of some sort to the younger generation. Such is the purpose of this discourse. If I am able in some small way to ease the path for those men who are just embarking on a journey of perpetual wedded bliss with their one and only true love , then I will consider my life fulfilled. Take the following advice to heart, dear friend, and you and your beloved will enjoy a long life of happiness and ecstasy.

New husband, know that your sweetheart may have some different habits and routines that may not match your own. I can safely state that the first thing you will notice in your darling one and only is her inability to properly utilize the toothpaste tube. It is a minor thing, to be sure, but many a honeymoon bliss has been ruined by the lowly toothpaste tube. You will squeeze the tube from the middle (as most men do) and your new bride will roll it up. The first time she sees a squeezed tube it will create no end of dismay and anguish for her and, ultimately, for you. Those who are given to squeezing are rarely, if ever, bothered by a rolled tube. Not so for the wife who rolls her tube. One would think that the freedom of the western world were at stake, considering the protestations of your dear wife. Friend, there is a simple solution. Buy two toothpaste tubes. It’s as simple as that. It will save you no end of strive and trouble (not to mention the lecture from she who considers herself perpetually correct).

A much more serious consideration is the position one leaves the toilet seat in. The up or down argument has raged for generations and I  see no final solution in sight. Gentleman, if you have lived on your own awhile, you probably have kept the seat in a permanent up position as a matter of convenience. Your loving bride is just the opposite. In fact, she may not be aware that the toilet seat has an up position. It is with the strongest terms that I warn you, devoted husband, that the first time your gentle wife gets up in the middle of the night and suddenly, to her soggy consternation, discovers that there is an up position for the toilet seat – well – you will get wind of a side to your lovely wife that you have, heretofore, never seen and hope to never see again. She will also employ a command of vocabulary that you have never heard from her either. Wedded bliss will leave your household for a time while she ponders your, now many, faults. Avoid this problem altogether and keep the seat down. I know it’s a hassle but the alternative is just not worth it.

There is one final tip that I want to leave you with. If she ever asks you if she is fat or if a certain outfit does not look good on her – well – you’re on your own.

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