Today’s essay concerns those young men among us who have yet to arrive at the stage of life referred to as puberty. If this terminal condition has yet to afflict you, young friend, please do read on. What follows is written for the sole purpose of guiding your path until, and beyond, that time of change and, I hope, preclude you from misery and strife. If you are a father of such a one, you are welcome to read and help your young man as he finds his way. Mothers and brides to be should not read this.
What follows are a few, though not all-conclusive, general rules to be adhered to at all costs. Doing so will allow you to avoid no end of trouble from your peers and, in particular, your parents.
- Understand first that your bedroom is no place to hide anything that you do not wish your parents to know about. Things like cigarettes, items “procured” for amusement (i.e. toys, candy, and what not), and stuff you swiped from your sister in order to torment her. Magazines of a “feminine” nature are to be avoided at all costs. You and your parents know that possession is 9/10th of the law and any of these things in your room will find you guilty. Instead, hide all of this stuff either in the garage or the mini-barn, if you have one. With the exception of the toys, the presence of these things can be blamed on other members in the household (as long as they are older than you).
- If, in the above case, you throw any of the other members of your family under the bus as regards the contraband you are caught with, you must give consideration to possible retribution. The art of the bribe is useful here. You can give the stuff you stole from your sister back with the solemn promise that you will never lay hands on anything of hers again. That works with girls most of the time. With the guys in the house it is a little more difficult. Offer to give them access to your other stash of hidden goods as a peace offering. WARNING! Never offer those “magazines” to your father as it will, without doubt, result in a come to Jesus meeting.
- Never, EVER, for any reason, allow any snakes, horned toads, lizards, or other reptiles you have acquired to get loose in the kitchen. Take even more precaution against such an occurrence in the presence of women. To allow this to happen will avail you of the opportunity to witness and fall victim to a level of feminine violence that is not often witnessed by any male. Rare is the man who has retained his sanity after witnessing such an outburst. The better thing to do with your reptilian collection is let them loose before you enter your house. The best idea is to leave them in the field where you found them. They will be there tomorrow.
- One last word of wisdom. Never ever swipe candy from a store owned by, or which employees, a known combat veteran. They will kill you and no one will ever know.