This week will go down in the annals of history as one of the saddest weeks there has ever been. Dear reader, you have heard the news that the company that makes such quintessential American delicacies as Twinkies™, Ding Dongs™, and a myriad array of other such sugary delights has ceased production. I have been in a state of culinary depression since the news came out. What, oh what, will become of our youth who will never know the sugar induced, hyper active, charge of energy from a package of Twinkies gobbled up with an RC Cola™ chaser? Why, under the influence of a bellyful of such delights, a young man can run faster and jump higher than any kid in the neighborhood. Young girls can talk faster (imagine that!), and pester more boys in a shorter time than you could shake a stick at.
Just imagine, if you will, the effect of a family of pre-pubescent boys and girls, loaded up with Ding dongs, on the parents? Think of the joy that had for young people everywhere! My own parents were driven to distraction. It was great fun.
I will tell you that Ding Dings, in all their chocolaty joy, had uses other than eating. I remember when I was a little boy, I “procured” a package of them from Mr. Russell’s store in Amarillo, Texas where I grew up. I was with my Mom but had managed to stuff the Ding Dong in my pants without her noticing. I wanted to walk the four blocks home on the idea that I would eat them along the way. Mom would not let me. I rode home with her and then had to help her unload the car. By the time I managed to get away to a secret place to dine, they had melted in my pants. It had seeped through my underwear and you know how that looked. Course, the fellows saw me and I never heard the end of it.
Yes, dear friend, it is a sad day for Americans everywhe