Open note to an unknown neighbor

Dear neighbor. It may be that we know each other and it may be that we do not. In any case, I am unable to make a positive identification so I will trust that you read this in the full knowledge that I harbor no animosity toward you or your family. It is with nothing but pure charity and the welfare of our neighborhood that I place before you the following request.

Prior to my request: I do know one tidbit about you in that you are in possession of an animal of some sort.I have the evidence of said animal in several places in my front and back yard. Considering  the size of said evidence,  I surmise the creature to be a medium-sized canine. If, by chance, your animal turns out to be a cat, well then, he is certainly a very large cat indeed. My bet is on a dog, though, as I have no knowledge of any large felines in the neighborhood and we are not that close to any zoos. Leastwise, none that I know of.

I mentioned a request earlier in my correspondence. My request is a simple one. If  you would do me the kindness of locating a new place for your canine (assuming he is a dog) to leave his or her “digested remains” in some place other than my front or back yard, I would be grateful beyond words. I would put forth a further desire that you would not resort  to another neighbor’s yard in place of mine at the risk of alienating yourself from ALL of your neighbors. Perhaps your own yard would be the best place? That way, you are at liberty to do what you wish with the evidence and not be required to carry removal equipment on your daily constitutional.

My final admonition is that you not allow your animal (whatever he or she is) to roam our streets at night. He or she will not differentiate between yards and you will find yourself at odds with most of the neighborhood. I would not want that to stand against you.

If you would, give the following note to your dog: “BARK!! BARK BARK!!! BARRRRRKKKKK! BARK BARK BARK! ( Propriety precludes me from translating).

With kindest regards for you and your kin,